Milestones

When I was younger it seemed like those big milestones would never come soon enough. Like turning 16 so I could get my drivers license or turning 21 so that I could legally drink. Once those milestones came and went, then the reality that I would soon after be turning 25 was dreadful. OMGosh, I would be a quarter of a century! LOL. After that dreadful 25 came and went with not as much drama as I expected, it seemed like any other age milestone would be no big thing. So when I found myself lurking near the big 4-0 all of a sudden I found myself asking if I had really fulfilled some big goals that I had set for myself. I think the big 4-0 was actually more daunting because everyone around me makes such a big deal about turning forty. So when my big 4-0 came and went I thought to myself, “this really isn't so bad!” and then when I fulfilled one of my dreams of figure competing while forty then I really thought, “forty is great!”. However, let me just admit to you right now that I am overwhelmed with the big ONE-4-OH that stared back at me from my scale this morning. Yes, you are reading this right.  140. Wow, I was not prepared for that. I was even shocked. Still am shocked.  And if you only knew how hard it is for me to share this with you.  It's for two reasons. First and foremost I am mortified and embarrassed.  And I am also fearful of offending anyone through this admission and with any writing I am doing through this blog, but this is my way of being honest with myself and also my way of trying to encourage others that no matter where you start or no matter where you have been you can achieve greatness and excellence. You can achieve your goals. And everyone's goals are different. My fear is that some of you will be rolling your eyes and through huge heavy sighs be thinking “if only I weighed 140” or “I would give my left arm to weigh only 140”, but for others of you that really know me, you will understand my disappointment with myself for ever reaching this “milestone”. This is definitely a new low for me. Or in this case I should say a new high! I don't think I've weighed this much since I was pregnant. Also, one of the biggest things I want people to realize is that what may be a good weight or size for one person may not be for another. We are all different, inside and out. So, for this girl, 140 is not ideal nor comfortable. To me this means I've got 15 pounds to lose to get back to my ideal healthy weight that I should forever be maintaining. 15 pounds to those Miss Me jeans. 15 pounds until I can put my “maintenance plan” into place where I can and will allow myself to have a cheat meal once per week. 15 pounds to be back to the weight I was when I was selected to even be a part of this upcoming fitness fashion show. Whew, overwhelming. And so much easier to just give up.

When I first stepped off the scale and the feelings of being completely overwhelmed passed, I was then invigorated to get on that elliptical and do something about it. But as I started my cardio session the truth really started sinking in and I began to question everything that I had set out to do. Is all of this hard work really worth it? Maybe since I'm now 41 my metabolism has just slowed down so much that I will be fighting an uphill battle for the remainder of my days (rather than just accepting and taking responsibility that I have messed up my metabolism by my horrible eating habits and two week lapse from exercise). I'm never going to drop these 15 pounds to be in “fitness fashion show” shape by March 17^th. How will I be able to get myself in shape for a pro competition in July? And even worse, my embarrassment factor about not wanting to show myself at the gym in this shape crept back in. Maybe I should figure out a way to get to the gym by 5am so that nobody I know will see me. And I am so tired of wearing my baggy fat clothes!  As I was overwhelmed with all of these negative feelings and of wanting to give up, my phone beeped at me to inform me that someone had posted on my FB page. It wasn't anything astounding, but it was what I needed right at that moment to encourage me to stay on track with my health and with this blog. Thank you friend (and you know who you are!). Although I have no control over age milestones, I do have control over weight milestones. So, as hard as it's going to be for me, I'll just suck it up and be heading to the gym in about 25 minutes to do something about this new weight milestone I have achieved.