Although I am really unhappy about my appearance right now, I want you to know that my unhappiness isn't just all about the visual. It's about the physical (health) and about the emotional and psychological as well. It's about not having balance and control of my life, of myself. In the books I am reading I am trying to understand this term of sugar sensitivity and how it relates to me. Do I really have some sort of biochemical imbalance or am I just OCD? I've joked about OCD for many years, but the part of the definition of OCD that strikes me is “...Often the person carries out the behaviors to get rid of the obsessive thoughts, but this only provides temporary relief. Not performing the obsessive rituals can cause great anxiety.” Wow, I'd like to share my reality story about obsessive thoughts that caused great anxiety and then when succumbed to only caused temporary relief. I'd like to share a day in my life after my kids went trick or treating (I wish I could say just this PAST October, but that would be lying about my vicious cycle). During the day I was in total control and felt great, but as soon as we got home I found myself consumed with thoughts of the drawers of candy in my boys rooms. And I do mean drawers full! Each. I tried to not think about it, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't. Those little candy morsels continued to haunt my every thought. So I finally caved and told myself that I'd just eat one mini Snickers and be done with my obsessive thoughts about the candy. Well, once I ate one, then I went back for another and another until finally I told myself that I would just go pick out every mini Snickers bar from their drawers to finish them off and get them out of the house, then this problem would be done and gone. They were all gone alright, but it was only a temporary relief that left me filled with feelings of disgust, disappointment and despair since I had no control over saying no to this madness. After beating myself up for awhile, I would then convince myself that I had to move forward and that tomorrow would be a new day. Then tomorrow came and instead of mini Snickers, it was Almond Joy. Then another new day would come and I would move on to the Laffy Taffys. There was no end to the madness. No matter how horrible I felt. I know what you are saying “just get rid of the candy already!”. After a week I knew that's what I had to do, but unnamed persons in my house were appalled that I would suggest we should get rid of two one pound bags of delicious candy (and it wasn't my two youngest boys)! LOL. So my solution: if you want to keep it, then lock it up. Sounds crazy, right? But that's what it took for me at that point, so into the gun safe it went and now someone else was in control of that which I was not.
I started thinking about a visit that Tosca Reno made to our gym about 2 years ago. I'm a huge fan of hers and loved her discussion about sugar and how it is like any other drug. It is white, powdery, very addictive and it kills. Wow. And yet I gorged on sugar night after night. All I can say is all things happen for a reason. On January 1st as I started my day with the old new years resolution banter, I knew my life had to change and that I had to regain control. I remembered that Tosca had mentioned a book called Sugar Blues. I also remembered that I actually bought the book, but never finished it. Thus started my search and joila, I found it! After glancing at the first few chapters, I realized why I never finished it...it was pretty factual, dry and boring. So, I started browsing around on my new Kindle Fire that I got for Christmas and found two books. As I started reading the book samples, I realized that these books were speaking to me and about me and thus was my admission that I am a sugar addict. I am now excited to be reading and learning about sugar sensitivity, seratonin, betaendorphins and sugar addiction. It's awesome, I love it! Thus my desire to once again learn to be a “sugar free me”!
I now realize that being in competition shape and stage ready is not realistic nor healthy every day of the year. I will admit that I loved being that lean and feeling really good about myself, but it is not easily maintained either, mostly mentally and psychologically for me. Even when I was stage ready I still looked in the mirror and thought my stomach wasn't flat enough and my butt was still ugly (oh how I would give my left butt cheek right now to have that not good enough body back, LOL). However, the opposite extreme of binging and overeating is definitely not healthy either. So, thus my quest for balance. I will be uncomfortably honest and admit that I've always weighed much more than anyone would guess, so I've never been comfortable with sharing my weight or talking about my weight. When I weighed 115, I had people guessing I weighed 105. When I weighed 130 I had people guessing I weighed 120. Maybe I should play those silly “guess the weight” games at SeaWorld?!....anyway, an actual healthy and happy weight for me is 123-125 and there is no reason I should not be able to have and maintain that. I feel comfortable with myself and I feel in great shape (clean eating and working out are obviously part of this equation). When I went on stage for my figure competitions I was 114 pounds and extremely lean. After competition the healthy thing that I should have aimed for is a weight gain of about 10-12 pounds, putting me back at my healthy and happy maintainable target of 125. Well my friends, I am here to tell you that when you walk away from eating clean AND top that off with compulsive sugar addiction, well, you can see where I am going with this. So, thus my admission that I am not ready yet to step on that scale to see the actual damage that I have caused nor am I ready to shed my baggy clothes that I've been hiding in! I do know that I am back on track and striving to get back to that wonderful 120 something number and find balance in order to maintain it. One of my work out buddies and I have promised that we would both take the plunge and weigh in this Friday the 13th to get a benchmark to work from. I'll admit that I am not not looking forward to that day, but it's all good because I know that we have a plan and we are committed to it. And I'll be testing my “no sugar coating” mantra by seeing if I have the guts to post my weight on this blog, LOL. Our reward when we reach our healthy weight goal? An awesome and expensive pair of tight fitting jeans! Have you been missing me Miss Me Jeans? 'Cuz I've been mising you!
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