Keeping It Real, Keeping It Fun...Am I Worth It?

Growing up with a parent who thought she wasn't ever worth anything made it easy for me to fall into that same trap. It still makes my husband crazy to this day, but it's hard to change that mindset when you've lived your life that way. I think this is also why I tend to hoard stuff or at least buy in bulk for fear of ever running out of some things. It's crazy I know, but it's why I save and save for that “perfect” day to wear something or go somewhere. Is there ever really a perfect time for everything? My sweet little grandma lived so frugally and would never buy things for herself to enjoy, but if she did, she would hide them away for that perfect, special day. The sad part is that she passed away with brand new bras and other delights that she had tucked away for that special day, but it never came and she never got to enjoy those things. Sad but true.

I think it's ok to set goals for yourself in order to keep yourself motivated to reach certain goals, but the goals must be attainable. Real. Reachable. Although I didn't lose 15 pounds in 4 weeks, I've come close and feel like I've made some great strides in my goal to get in shape for the big PHYSIQ Fitness Fashion Show this Saturday. Is 15 pounds in 4 weeks a realistic goal? It can be and when I was training for competition I actually did that and more in a short time frame, but when I'm also struggling to find balance, I know I've got to keep it real. So, I have to laugh as I decided to reward myself and called to make an appointment for a massage for tomorrow and they said, “Do you realize that you've got 8 massages banked now?”. Wow, so it's been several months that I have found myself not worthy of enjoying massages. And quite honestly being too embarrassed to go see my amazing massage therapist with the extra layer of fat I had accumulated since the last time I saw him. Especially when he always delighted in seeing me as a “cadaver” of sorts as he said he could see every muscle, every striation, in my physique. Well, if I've been saving for that perfect day, tomorrow must be it. A tan, a manicure and pedicure with a friend, and a 90 minute massage. Now that sounds like a fantastic reward and a great way to get ready for an exciting fashion show on Saturday! It's the little things that keep you motivated, but you've got to learn to allow yourself to be rewarded.

There's a quote from IFBB Figure Olympia Nicole Wilkins that I love and it goes like this:

Stop berating yourself for being a work in progress. Being a 'work in progress' doesn't mean you're not good enough today, it just means you want a better tomorrow. Keep pushing forward and stay positive.

Thanks Nicole, I needed that!

Moving On...

Years back, after moving here to San Antonio from California, I did a great Bible study called “Moving On After Moving In”. As I sit in the midst of boxes and clutter, I'm chuckling because at this point I'm just trying to move on after accepting the reality that we are in fact moving. I don't function well with clutter and chaos surrounding me, so our house is currently making me crazy as we are boxing up, selling and getting ready to stage our house. I realize that it's hard to get motivated sometimes when you truly love your current environment – neighborhood, house, pool, friends, schools, job, gym, etc. I've come to terms with my denial and have finally accepted that we will be uprooting and moving to the Houston area by the summer. So, please pray that God's timing will bring everything together as we need it to. Preschool ends for Ethan and I on May 17^th and public school ends for Dillon on May 31^st. Then we've got two birthday parties to enjoy as poor Dillon is adamant that he has his party here with all of his friends since he says that when we get to our new house in a new city he won't yet have any friends by the time his June 28^th birthday arrives. So, we'll continue to pray that our home here will sell quickly so that we can get our money back out of this house in order to purchase another one in our new city of choice by the summer so that we can get settled and registered for school since next year we will have a 3^rd grader AND a kindergartner! So, no stress here at all.....LOL.

I'm excited to report that the Physiq Fitness Fashion Show is a little over a week away. As some of you know, I almost pulled out from the show due to my feeling so out of shape and down on myself, but thankfully some really great fitness friends talked me out of bailing and now I'm super excited! I've been working really hard at shedding that lovely layer of fat that was disguising my muscles and feel pretty good. I know I feel a lot better now than I would have if I did bail out of this show as it's going to be so very exciting and there are going to be some awesome opportunities there for me! I just keep reminding myself that my goal this year is balance and that I can't strive to look like a figure competitor for things like a fitness fashion show as it's just not the norm and not even desirable for most fitness photographers. However, it's much easier said than done because once you've been that lean and vascular, you learn to love it! At least I sure did! So, currently I've been trying to get in two cardio sessions each day along with my lifting workouts. And my eating has been super clean aside from a chocolate covered pretzel or two here and there! A girl can only take fish, brown rice and asparagus for so long......! Woot woot, look out Austin, here I come! After Physiq I think I'm setting my sights on an open casting call also in Austin on April 7^th, so that'll give me something else to look forward to and work towards. I've got to keep setting goals. Got to keep moving on because... “The past does not define you, the present does”. Activeinspiration.com

Excuses

Ok, so the awesome quote that I'm dying to share is, “One who wants something will find a way, one who doesn't will find an excuse”. And with that said, I'm not trying to make excuses, but I am so sorry for my lack of posts. I'll go ahead and throw my excuse out there...we've had a house full of family here for the past few days. Seven members of my husband's family came out from CA to visit us and they all stayed with us. We had eleven people in our house!! And to my surprise it went great and with no drama. Yay! It was a wonderful visit and one that showed me how amazing and important it is to have a tight family with a very strong faith in the Lord.

If anyone is wondering how my training and diet are going, I'm excited to say “great!”. I met with an awesome friend who is also a personal trainer last weekend and that time together, along with a new work out, was exactly what I needed to light the fire in my spirit once again. So, I went from considering bowing out of the big fitness fashion show last Friday night to a renewed energy and excitement to bring my A game to the show instead! So, my diet has been squeaky clean since Saturday morning, I'm back to two cardio sessions every day and I started my new work outs on Monday and am sore and loving it! Going forward, I promise to ditch my excuses and find a way to make my dreams happen, one day at a time.

Burn Baby Burn

Again, here I am singing and being inspired to write because of a song! Whatever works, right?! I'm sitting here laughing because I just finished yet another load of laundry. But this load of laundry is extra special because in it are my “fat pants” that I have chosen to wear and feel comfortable in for the past two months or so. I admit that they are not the most flattering things I could choose to wear, but I currently and unfortunately don't find anything flattering about the body I am sporting and just can't get myself to don any of my super cute workout wear. Even though I have two brand new pair of work out shoes that Santa brought that are still sitting in my closet waiting until I feel “cute enough” to sport with my hip workout clothes. Anyway, I am laughing as I fold my fat pants (yet again since I have only one pair and must wash them often!) and sing the old Bee Gees song Disco Inferno because really the only part of the lyrics that I recall are “burn, baby, burn”! I can't tell you how many times over the past couple of months my wonderfully sweet friends have threatened to steal my fat pants and burn them. And I had to chuckle a couple weekends ago when my family went ice skating and I came out of my room wearing a pair of jeans and my husband said, “Thank God you ditched the fat pants for a few hours!”. Are they really that bad y'all?! LOL. Yep, I can see all of you nodding your heads and saying “now that you mention it, I do hate those pants!”. It's all good.  Am I going to have to start hiding my beloved pants for fear that they may mysteriously disappear?!

On a more serious note, let's talk about burning fat. I'm frequently asked if given the choice between cardio and lifting weights, which would I choose. I have to tell you it will almost always be lifting. Of course the perfect case scenario would be to do both: fasted cardio right when I wake up in the morning followed by a weight lifting program at the gym and if time allows, a second medium intensity cardio session. But if I was short on time and had to pick one, it would be lifting. Not only do I love lifting weights because of the amazing visible transformations that can be seen in my physique, but building lean muscle mass is truly the foundation of successful fat burning. Did you know that muscle revs up your metabolism? Did you know that muscle even burns fat while you are sleeping? How cool is that?! Here's a quote from Wayne Westcott, Ph.D., director of research at the South Shore YMCA in Quincy, Massachusetts, "For every 3 pounds of muscle you build you'll burn an extra 120 calories a day -- just vegging -- because muscle takes more energy to sustain”. Over the course of a year, that's about 10 pounds of fat -- without even changing your diet. Yes, please. I'm sure everyone who has met with a personal trainer at the gym has been shown the two huge rubbery blobs, one representing fat and the other representing muscle. They both weigh the same, but the muscle blob is much smaller. So, when and if you start a weight lifting program and you don't see actual weight loss on the scale, do not be discouraged. Muscle weighs more than fat. Think of it this way...It takes up less space in your jeans! LOL. Happy lifting!

Choices

So I had to stop and laugh last week as I was wishing Dillon a great day at school and telling him to “make good choices today, ok buddy?”. Am I a good example of making good choices? Do I heed my own advice? If I expect my seven year old to make good choices, then why shouldn't I expect myself to also make good choices? It's so easy to blame others when we don't make good choices. Several weeks ago I found myself whining to a male friend at the gym about how my hubby makes it so very hard for me when he constantly wants and asks for non-healthy foods and snacks and when he chooses not to come to the gym with me. Ever. He put me in my place by saying, “Oh come on, my wife has never set foot in this place and I work here and work out here! That's no excuse!”. So true. And even though my hubby makes my healthy choices a tad more difficult for me, I should still respect his “choices” even though they aren't exactly what I'd wish for. It's definitely not easy, but it's still my choice to rise above or succumb to my surroundings.

Here is something from a friend's fb page that hit home for me this week (yes, that's you Robert!): " You are the ANSWER. No matter what is going on around you, that which is in you determines how far you go. I personally don't engage in activities in which I can blame anyone or anything but myself. I realize I was born with the ability to choose what I think, how I act, the way I treat others, and my attitude. Take a long look at yourself, determine what you want your life to be and just go get it". RDP

Find Your Center

Put God in the center and everything else will come together.

I got that from a little business card that someone gave me years ago and I've had it pinned on my motivational bulletin board ever since. It's made me think a lot lately. Last June when I started my venture into training for a figure competition, one of the first things I did was I pulled out this Daily Devotional for Dieters Journal that I had purchased many years ago. I had started it once (in pencil of course), but got off track and forgot about it for so long that I eventually went back and erased all of my journaling and told myself that one day in the future when I was ready to take my diet more seriously I would rely on the devotional and use it to its fullest. Well last June I was finally in the right frame of mind to take my diet and exercise routine more seriously and to the next level, so it only made sense that I would pull out and rely daily on my devotional. It became part of my 5am routine. I woke up, put on my exercise clothes, brushed my teeth and headed to “mom's room”. Before I would jump on the elliptical or check my email on my phone, I would always first open my devotional and read the scripture and story for the day. Then I felt ready to hop on the elliptical where I could spend time thinking about what I had read and ponder how it related to me and my current situation. I would end my 45-60 minute cardio session with quiet prayer time and then write my thoughts in my devotional. It was a beautiful start to each day and always put me in the right frame of mind to help me get through another day. When you are training for the stage, some days are much harder than others. I recall some days waking up and feeling happy and full of energy. I also recall some days where I would “hit a wall” by about 10am where my legs would feel like heavy logs, but I knew I had to get through my work outs and through my crazy cooking sessions because there were weeks at a time where I ate tilapia, asparagus and brown rice for 5 of my 6 meals in a day!  Or Tuesdays and Thursdays when I would be teaching preschool and would agonize over the fact that I had to walk up the stairs with those logs to go and use the restroom.  And some days that I would actually be in my pajamas by 4pm and sitting on the couch marveling at the fact that I was sitting and not “doing” (Most of you that know me know that I cannot sit still or even stand still for more than two minutes! Yes, adult ADD!). As I reflect on those times, I know that I got through each day because I started my day with God first and in the center of my world. So, when my November competition fell through, I slumped into a funk and I let everything go. Not just my diet, but my morning God time. And you know, without putting God in the center of my world, my world seemed to fall apart around me so that the only thing left in the center was me. And that's a lonely and depressing place to be. So, along with my healthy resolutions that I started on January 1^st, I also put God back in the center of my world and we start off each morning together once again. And my journal that was well used from June through October has started a new page on January 1^st. Each day is new and different, easy or hard, fun or depressing, willpower or a lack of. But I know that with God all things are possible and that life is a giant circle. And when we put God in the center, everything else will come together.

Believe

So, I stepped on the scale this morning not anticipating magic (like 5 pounds overnight, LOL!), but I was totally and completely discouraged and disappointed to see the same exact number staring back at me. And yea, yea, I know muscle weighs more than fat, but really?! Not even 1/2 a pound?! I gathered some “I'm not gonna let this get me down” attitude and busted a sweat through my morning cardio session anyway. Had some yummy scrambled egg beaters with my brown rice (which I have cut down from ½ cup to 1/3 cup in hopes of seeing some progress) and ½ of a grapefruit. I told myself that I just had to keep going and not give up even though I really felt like it. So I got me and my big booty to the gym and instantly began sulking as I walked by the new poster hanging in the window of the Spinning room that read “I Can See the Finish Line”. All I could think to myself is what freaking finish line? What light at the end of the tunnel? My scale has not moved since last Friday. Do I really have it in me to revisit my diet already and make it more strict or to add in a second cardio session this early in? Then I prayed that God would give me the strength to get through my work out and as I looked up God sent me a very clear message, printed on the front of some random woman's shirt, one word...BELIEVE.

One For the Road

So tomorrow we are headed to Houston. My hubby is there now so that he can get a good night of rest as he has round two of all day interviews tomorrow. This is where my Plan B will come into play. My 6 Pack Fitness food bag will be earning it's worth once again. It's my true companion each and every day, but it'll be stuffed to the gills for the weekend excursion. I've baked my home made protein cakes this week and they are individually wrapped and ready for the road. I've got stacks of my airtight containers full of boiled chicken, brown rice, veggies and my delicious oatmeal/Myofusion mix. So, although I'll be away from the luxuries of home, I can still stick with a clean diet. I'm also excited that we are staying at the same hotel that we stayed at the last time, so I know that the gym there is sufficient enough for my Saturday morning cardio session followed by my bis and tris work out. So, I'm not gonna miss a beat! It's supposed to be beautiful in Houston all weekend, so I've also got all of our roller blades packed. I look forward to some outdoor fun!

I had to chuckle today as I was talking to my awesome preschool class about having a Can Do attitude. We were working on a project to strengthen their fine motor skills and some were finding it difficult to string Cheerio's onto their piece of string. Many of them were saying “I can't....”. It was awesome because by the end of the project they were all saying “Ms. Megan, I can do it!”. And what joy and pride seeped out of their sweet little faces! It made me wonder if I always have the Can Do attitude. Do you have a Can Do attitude? Instead of saying I can't, try saying I can and you'll be pleasantly amazed at the successes you'll have just by having the right Can Do attitude! I'm relying on this attitude to help me get through this weekend. And I know I can!

Why Not Me?

Hmmm, isn't that an old country song? Seems like it. And I haven't been able to get the tune out of my head all day! Lately I've been taking shots at myself I guess you could say. I'm one of hundreds of lucky girls that got chosen, yes chosen, to be a model in an upcoming fitness fashion show to benefit breast cancer. How exciting is that?! Let me tell you, it's very exciting for me! It's really like a dream come true, so why I chose to sabotage myself from October through December I have no idea. But here I am totally excited and working hard to get back into awesome shape for the show that takes place on March 17^th. And if I ever have the guts to tell anyone about being chosen for this fashion show, I don't speak very positively about myself. Usually it goes something like this...”yep, there will be amazing pros there like Monica Brant (my fitness hero), Dave Goodin, Adela Garcia. And then on that list of fitness models is my name, Megan Coty.” Like I'm not worthy to be a part of that list of pros who are stars in my eyes. But why not? Everyone starts somewhere, right? Monica wasn't born a pro figure competitor. She worked very hard and followed her dreams and didn't stop until she made it and she's still a huge figure in the fitness world. In fact, she has been competing since at least 1991 that I know of and although she placed 1^st, 2^nd and 3^rd in many of her competitions, she also placed 9^th, 7^th, 6^th in many as well. But she never gave up. That is so inspiring and shows such drive and determination. And shows that I too can strive to be my best and to not give up, even with this big set back.

All along I've known that there was going to be a special preview party sometime in January, but I knew I wouldn't be ready to make an appearance. However, I just got the invite to the private party and photo shoot and it isn't until Feb 5^th, so I've been given an opportunity or a gift if you will, an extra week to shed some fat and build some more muscle! So, I'm trying to be optimistic and will see what progress I can make. I still don't think that I can be photo shoot worthy in 2 & ½ weeks, but just in case, I took the plunge today and made myself a hair appointment for the Wednesday before the party. If I'm not ready, then I'll just call and move my appointment to the week before the actual fashion show. Here's to being optimistic and positive and to working hard rather than continuing to kick myself for setting myself up to possibly miss out on an exciting preview party that could have some great exposure to some wonderful opportunities. Moving forward....because the past does not define you, the present does. (ActiveInspiration.com)

Breakfast is for Champions

Champions are too busy getting better to make time for excuses. Charles Williams

It's true, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. So, if you don't start every day with a clean, balanced breakfast, make a plan to start tomorrow! We can't expect our cars to run on empty, so why should we expect our bodies to perform on empty? Think about it, your body has just woke from a 6-8 hour fast, so you've got to replenish it's energy sources in order to perform optimally throughout the day. They say you should eat within the first hour of waking, but you have to make a plan that will work for you and that you can stick with, but whatever your plan, do not skip breakfast! Many people think this is a good way to skip some calories, but in the long run you will probably find yourself eating even more calories to compensate and your body will go into starvation mode and store fat. I love waking up and doing a fasted cardio session at 5:45am every morning because my body taps into my fat stores for energy. Check out this link that talks about fasted cardio: http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/assessing-fasted-cardio-training.html. Depending on your goal, fasted cardio may not be part of your plan, but for me it is – I currently have a lot of fat to burn! It's also a great feeling to know that I've gotten in at least 45 minutes of cardio before my day even begins, so later if something comes up or if I don't have time after lifting to get in a second cardio session I don't feel as stressed about it. Most importantly I make sure that I am eating my breakfast within 45 minutes of doing my cardio session to supply my body with the fuel it needs and to keep it from tapping into my muscle stores for energy – I'm working hard to build muscle, so I don't want to sabotage my efforts! Many of you have been asking what I eat, so I'm going to throw out some clean breakfast ideas that include both carbs and protein...

½ cup Egg Beaters scrambled, ½ cup of oatmeal and ½ of a ruby red grapefruit

½ cup Egg Beaters scrambled, ½ cup of brown rice and ½ of a ruby red grapefruit

Protein pancake with a very thin layer of natural peanut or almond butter, topped with slices of ½ of a banana or with ½ cup of berries

My refrigerator is always stocked with egg beaters, spray butter, ruby red grapefruit and berries (blueberries, raspberries, strawberries, blackberries). Although fruit is very healthy for you and contains natural sugar, it's still sugar, so enjoy in moderation. Berries are the best fruits, with raspberries having the lowest number in grams of sugar and carbs, followed by strawberries and then blueberries. If I'm going to enjoy fruit, I typically do so with my breakfast. It's very important to read food labels of all foods you buy. You will be so surprised at how many foods we think are healthy that actually have hidden sugar in them. In the book “Potatoes Not Prozac”, the author talks about overt sugars (the ones that are obvious) and covert sugars (the ones that are not so obvious and are hidden in processed foods), so watch out! When buying peanut butter, go for the natural stuff, but again be careful. You must read the label to make sure that the only ingredient is dry peanuts. Period. Or if you love almond butter the one ingredient should be dry roasted almonds. Period. No oils. No covert sugars.

Many of you are asking how to make protein pancakes and I'm happy to tell you that they are so easy to make and are so delicious! I mix together ½ cup of egg beaters with 1 scoop of my favorite protein powder and joila, pour it into a small pan and make one medium sized pancake! One of my favorite protein powders is MyoFusion. The texture is perfect for my pancakes, for mixing in my oatmeal for my daily snacks and comes in so many delicious flavors! Are you craving chocolate and peanut butter? Throw yourself together a protein pancake made with chocolate protein powder and top it with a thin layer of natural peanut butter! Top with slices from ½ of a banana and your taste buds will really be thanking you and you'll get those carbs you need. If you have a good blender, another way to add some healthy carbs to those pancakes is to add ½ cup of dry oatmeal to the mix. I am one of those people who can eat the same thing, day in and day out, but most people just can't eat this way. So, I encourage you to use the internet to find wonderfully delicious and clean recipes. A couple of my favorites are http://www.oxygenmag.com/ and Tosca Reno's http://www.eatcleandiet.com/.

Now that we all know how important it is to start our day with breakfast, it's equally as important to continue eating smaller meals about every 2.5 to three hours throughout the day to keep our metabolism revved up and to make sure we don't become completely starving which in turn seems to help us in making bad food choices and in overeating. I use an iphone app to track my meals throughout the day and I also set an event on my calendar called “EAT!”. Every three hours my reminder goes off reminding me that it's time to eat and I also go in and edit the event to go off again in 3 more hours. An ideal day for me looks like this:

7:30am Breakfast

10:30am Mid-morning Snack

1:30pm Lunch

4:30pm Mid-afternoon Snack

7:30pm Dinner

9:00pm Evening Snack (Casein Protein Shake)

Here is a great article to read about Casein protein and why I choose to have it as my last meal of the day: http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/the-case-for-casein.html?mcid=PO-7day-proteinpowder. Also, I first learned about eating smaller meals every 2.5 to 3 hours back in 2001 when I joined a Body For Life challenge at my local CA gym. It was a 10 week challenge and in that time I lost 16 pounds and 9% body fat, so this way of eating does work, I promise! Check it out at http://bodyforlife.com/.

Ok, so at this point I think I'm rambling and going into information overload, so I'll call it a day. I'm happy to answer any questions, so just fb me or email me as I love to share (can you tell?!). LOL. Choose to be a champion and add breakfast to your day!

A Plan

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

In almost all things in life, there is a plan to follow. Or at least having a plan makes everything in our lives much easier to manage. Our nutrition and exercise should be no different. If we are to be successful, we must have a well thought out plan. Well, I had a great plan to follow to get into top shape for competition, but I didn't have a plan for after. A plan to help me through what my girlfriend calls the “post competition blues” or what a fellow male competitor friends calls the “after competition letdown”. After my second competition, I had a plan in place to go right back to training after a relaxing weekend that included a cheat meal. I started that Monday and was ready to go, but had the wind knocked out of my sails when I was informed that since I had won my pro card with the INBF that the NPC would no longer allow me to compete in their shows. Wow, really?! This totally threw me for a loop, really bummed me out and before long, without a plan, I was consumed by feelings of depression and I started dabbling with sugar. I had laughed at the thought of “post competition blues” or “after competition letdown”, but it really is true. You are so focused and strict with your diet, your exercise, your life for so many months. Then the high of the competition and the journey getting there is over and you don't really know how to function without that structure, that drive – I know I didn't which is partially why I am in this dilemma that I'm now in. There are even articles about the “after effects” of competing that I wish I had in my bag of tricks to have helped me to be prepared and to have put together a plan for the “after”.  I'm amazed by all of the forums of competitors talking about this very topic and how some have gained 20 pounds in 2 weeks following competition!  And so many of my competitor friends have said "it happens to all of us."  Without a plan I was struggling, and without my well oiled eating plan I found myself gorging on my boys Halloween candy night after night, even though I didn't want to and told myself every morning that it wouldn't happen again, but it did. Over and over again. Even though I kept up my work outs, my weight was soaring (Well hello, of course, it was! It is ever so true when they say that nutrition is 80% of your progress or failure). By the time Christmas break rolled around, I was easily swayed by my husband to just take a break for two weeks to stay up late watching movies, sleep in and not rush to the gym every morning. Ok, well it's a new year and that mini vacation is over.

I've got a whole lot of hope, am back to my plan and I'm sticking to it. It's back to cooking, weighing and packaging my food every Wednesday and Sunday so I always have clean properly portioned meals at my fingertips. It's back to my seven days worth of pre-written workouts so I have no excuse to miss a work out. It's back to the 5am alarm clock and the fasted cardio sessions. And amongst all of that is room for balance. So if there is an opportunity to participate in a fun boot camp or to go roller blading with my boys to keep my fire lit, I'm going to take it. Part of finding balance is knowing that I can veer off course as long as my goal can still be reached in the end. Say good bye to the freshman 15!

Milestones

When I was younger it seemed like those big milestones would never come soon enough. Like turning 16 so I could get my drivers license or turning 21 so that I could legally drink. Once those milestones came and went, then the reality that I would soon after be turning 25 was dreadful. OMGosh, I would be a quarter of a century! LOL. After that dreadful 25 came and went with not as much drama as I expected, it seemed like any other age milestone would be no big thing. So when I found myself lurking near the big 4-0 all of a sudden I found myself asking if I had really fulfilled some big goals that I had set for myself. I think the big 4-0 was actually more daunting because everyone around me makes such a big deal about turning forty. So when my big 4-0 came and went I thought to myself, “this really isn't so bad!” and then when I fulfilled one of my dreams of figure competing while forty then I really thought, “forty is great!”. However, let me just admit to you right now that I am overwhelmed with the big ONE-4-OH that stared back at me from my scale this morning. Yes, you are reading this right.  140. Wow, I was not prepared for that. I was even shocked. Still am shocked.  And if you only knew how hard it is for me to share this with you.  It's for two reasons. First and foremost I am mortified and embarrassed.  And I am also fearful of offending anyone through this admission and with any writing I am doing through this blog, but this is my way of being honest with myself and also my way of trying to encourage others that no matter where you start or no matter where you have been you can achieve greatness and excellence. You can achieve your goals. And everyone's goals are different. My fear is that some of you will be rolling your eyes and through huge heavy sighs be thinking “if only I weighed 140” or “I would give my left arm to weigh only 140”, but for others of you that really know me, you will understand my disappointment with myself for ever reaching this “milestone”. This is definitely a new low for me. Or in this case I should say a new high! I don't think I've weighed this much since I was pregnant. Also, one of the biggest things I want people to realize is that what may be a good weight or size for one person may not be for another. We are all different, inside and out. So, for this girl, 140 is not ideal nor comfortable. To me this means I've got 15 pounds to lose to get back to my ideal healthy weight that I should forever be maintaining. 15 pounds to those Miss Me jeans. 15 pounds until I can put my “maintenance plan” into place where I can and will allow myself to have a cheat meal once per week. 15 pounds to be back to the weight I was when I was selected to even be a part of this upcoming fitness fashion show. Whew, overwhelming. And so much easier to just give up.

When I first stepped off the scale and the feelings of being completely overwhelmed passed, I was then invigorated to get on that elliptical and do something about it. But as I started my cardio session the truth really started sinking in and I began to question everything that I had set out to do. Is all of this hard work really worth it? Maybe since I'm now 41 my metabolism has just slowed down so much that I will be fighting an uphill battle for the remainder of my days (rather than just accepting and taking responsibility that I have messed up my metabolism by my horrible eating habits and two week lapse from exercise). I'm never going to drop these 15 pounds to be in “fitness fashion show” shape by March 17^th. How will I be able to get myself in shape for a pro competition in July? And even worse, my embarrassment factor about not wanting to show myself at the gym in this shape crept back in. Maybe I should figure out a way to get to the gym by 5am so that nobody I know will see me. And I am so tired of wearing my baggy fat clothes!  As I was overwhelmed with all of these negative feelings and of wanting to give up, my phone beeped at me to inform me that someone had posted on my FB page. It wasn't anything astounding, but it was what I needed right at that moment to encourage me to stay on track with my health and with this blog. Thank you friend (and you know who you are!). Although I have no control over age milestones, I do have control over weight milestones. So, as hard as it's going to be for me, I'll just suck it up and be heading to the gym in about 25 minutes to do something about this new weight milestone I have achieved.

Searching Not For Perfection, But For Balance

Although I am really unhappy about my appearance right now, I want you to know that my unhappiness isn't just all about the visual. It's about the physical (health) and about the emotional and psychological as well. It's about not having balance and control of my life, of myself. In the books I am reading I am trying to understand this term of sugar sensitivity and how it relates to me. Do I really have some sort of biochemical imbalance or am I just OCD? I've joked about OCD for many years, but the part of the definition of OCD that strikes me is “...Often the person carries out the behaviors to get rid of the obsessive thoughts, but this only provides temporary relief. Not performing the obsessive rituals can cause great anxiety.” Wow, I'd like to share my reality story about obsessive thoughts that caused great anxiety and then when succumbed to only caused temporary relief. I'd like to share a day in my life after my kids went trick or treating (I wish I could say just this PAST October, but that would be lying about my vicious cycle). During the day I was in total control and felt great, but as soon as we got home I found myself consumed with thoughts of the drawers of candy in my boys rooms. And I do mean drawers full! Each. I tried to not think about it, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't. Those little candy morsels continued to haunt my every thought. So I finally caved and told myself that I'd just eat one mini Snickers and be done with my obsessive thoughts about the candy. Well, once I ate one, then I went back for another and another until finally I told myself that I would just go pick out every mini Snickers bar from their drawers to finish them off and get them out of the house, then this problem would be done and gone. They were all gone alright, but it was only a temporary relief that left me filled with feelings of disgust, disappointment and despair since I had no control over saying no to this madness. After beating myself up for awhile, I would then convince myself that I had to move forward and that tomorrow would be a new day. Then tomorrow came and instead of mini Snickers, it was Almond Joy. Then another new day would come and I would move on to the Laffy Taffys. There was no end to the madness. No matter how horrible I felt. I know what you are saying “just get rid of the candy already!”. After a week I knew that's what I had to do, but unnamed persons in my house were appalled that I would suggest we should get rid of two one pound bags of delicious candy (and it wasn't my two youngest boys)! LOL. So my solution: if you want to keep it, then lock it up. Sounds crazy, right? But that's what it took for me at that point, so into the gun safe it went and now someone else was in control of that which I was not.

I started thinking about a visit that Tosca Reno made to our gym about 2 years ago. I'm a huge fan of hers and loved her discussion about sugar and how it is like any other drug. It is white, powdery, very addictive and it kills. Wow. And yet I gorged on sugar night after night. All I can say is all things happen for a reason. On January 1^st as I started my day with the old new years resolution banter, I knew my life had to change and that I had to regain control. I remembered that Tosca had mentioned a book called Sugar Blues. I also remembered that I actually bought the book, but never finished it. Thus started my search and joila, I found it! After glancing at the first few chapters, I realized why I never finished it...it was pretty factual, dry and boring. So, I started browsing around on my new Kindle Fire that I got for Christmas and found two books. As I started reading the book samples, I realized that these books were speaking to me and about me and thus was my admission that I am a sugar addict. I am now excited to be reading and learning about sugar sensitivity, seratonin, betaendorphins and sugar addiction. It's awesome, I love it! Thus my desire to once again learn to be a “sugar free me”!

I now realize that being in competition shape and stage ready is not realistic nor healthy every day of the year. I will admit that I loved being that lean and feeling really good about myself, but it is not easily maintained either, mostly mentally and psychologically for me. Even when I was stage ready I still looked in the mirror and thought my stomach wasn't flat enough and my butt was still ugly (oh how I would give my left butt cheek right now to have that not good enough body back, LOL). However, the opposite extreme of binging and overeating is definitely not healthy either. So, thus my quest for balance. I will be uncomfortably honest and admit that I've always weighed much more than anyone would guess, so I've never been comfortable with sharing my weight or talking about my weight. When I weighed 115, I had people guessing I weighed 105. When I weighed 130 I had people guessing I weighed 120. Maybe I should play those silly “guess the weight” games at SeaWorld?!....anyway, an actual healthy and happy weight for me is 123-125 and there is no reason I should not be able to have and maintain that. I feel comfortable with myself and I feel in great shape (clean eating and working out are obviously part of this equation). When I went on stage for my figure competitions I was 114 pounds and extremely lean. After competition the healthy thing that I should have aimed for is a weight gain of about 10-12 pounds, putting me back at my healthy and happy maintainable target of 125. Well my friends, I am here to tell you that when you walk away from eating clean AND top that off with compulsive sugar addiction, well, you can see where I am going with this. So, thus my admission that I am not ready yet to step on that scale to see the actual damage that I have caused nor am I ready to shed my baggy clothes that I've been hiding in! I do know that I am back on track and striving to get back to that wonderful 120 something number and find balance in order to maintain it. One of my work out buddies and I have promised that we would both take the plunge and weigh in this Friday the 13^th to get a benchmark to work from. I'll admit that I am not not looking forward to that day, but it's all good because I know that we have a plan and we are committed to it. And I'll be testing my “no sugar coating” mantra by seeing if I have the guts to post my weight on this blog, LOL. Our reward when we reach our healthy weight goal? An awesome and expensive pair of tight fitting jeans! Have you been missing me Miss Me Jeans? 'Cuz I've been mising you!

Spoken To

You've heard it before, “Listen when someone is talking to you.” I know I have. Well, this morning as I was pumping out my fasted cardio session I truly feel like I was spoken to. I subscribe to Joel & Victoria Osteen's daily word and am always touched by it, but some days I truly feel as though God is speaking through them and directly to me or my present situations. Today was definitely one of those days! As I've been talking about not sugar coating the truth while not being mean or nasty these past couple of days, what Bible verse do they quote but “The tongue has the power of life and death...” from Proverbs 18:21, NIV. And as I am facing up to my addiction to sugar and as I vow to move out of the past and move forward, they make mention of these things too! And just a couple of weeks ago as I was reaching out to someone close to me and confiding that a goal of mine this year is to learn to like myself and maybe even love myself, the response I got was “I've never liked myself, let alone loved myself, so you may as well give that one up. It's just too hard...” Isn't this awesome?! No, not the response I got, but today's word with Joel & Victoria! I think so! It's so awesome for me that I've copied today's word here in my post and I hope you enjoy it as I much as I am...

Speak Life

TODAY’S SCRIPTURE...“The tongue has the power of life and death...” (Proverbs 18:21, NIV)

TODAY’S WORD from Joel and Victoria

God has given us amazing power through the use of our words. God created the world with the words He spoke, and we also have creative power with the words that we speak.

Maybe you aren’t where you want to be in life today. Could it be because of the words you’ve spoken in your past? Have you spoken words of death by saying things like, “I’ll never rise any higher; I’ve gone as far as I can go?” Or maybe you’ve said, “I’ll never break this addiction. I’ve had it too long; it’s too hard.” Now, you are eating the fruit of those words — you’re still in the same place.

If you are ready to change your situation, then it’s time to change what you say about your situation. If you want a different harvest, you have to change the seeds you are sowing. Today, choose to speak life over your future. Let your attitude be, “This may be the way it’s been in the past, but this is not the way it’s staying. I’m coming up higher. I may feel weak, but my declaration is that I am strong.” Speak life, choose life, and move forward in His victory and blessing.

A PRAYER FOR TODAY...Father in heaven, I repent for speaking words of death and sowing defeat in my own life. I ask that You uproot any negative crop from the past and help me speak words of faith so that I can walk in victory in every area of my life in Jesus’ name. Amen. — Joel & Victoria Osteen
Can I get an amen somebody?!  AMEN!

Half Way to a Habit

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit.” Aristotle

Yay, today is day 7 of pulling myself out of the slump I was in and getting myself back to the gym and back to clean eating. They say that it takes 14 days to create a habit, so I am half way there! So, all of you out there who have made resolutions to get healthy this year, don't give up. You will stumble, you will have bad days, you will cheat. This is absolutely normal (not great, but normal), but we must choose to move forward and not sit and wallow in our own self pity and continue in doing what we know is not a healthy choice. Choose to move forward.

Last Monday as I started back into my happy world of working out and eating clean, I also started a new supplement stack with one of my work out buddies. It's one she had found in a magazine a couple months ago and we thought we would try something new as you should cycle supplements, especially thermogenics. So sticking to my norm, I woke up at 5:20am, stumbled into our dark bathroom to put on my new Zaggora Hotpants (darn those groupon deals!) and work out clothes, brush my teeth and swallow my morning supplements before hopping onto my elliptical machine to pump out my 45 minute fasted cardio session. About 20 minutes into my cardio I thought I was going to lose my cookies (no, I haven't been eating any cookies!) and barely made it through 30 minutes before I had to cut my cardio short by 15 minutes. Typically I would beat myself up all day and/or try to compensate by going overboard and doing more throughout the day, but instead I gave myself a small pat on the back for getting up and getting in 30 minutes of good, sweaty cardio and later enjoyed my first day back to lifting. Aggravated yes, but told myself I would try again tomorrow. Well, Tuesday the same thing happened. Ugh. Ok, time to make some tweaks. So Wednesday I removed one of the four supplements that I thought was making me want to hurl and jumped on to my elliptical with enthusiasm and excitement of finally getting to that 45 minute mark, but no such luck. I barely made it 35 minutes. Thursday came around and I took out a different supplement, but same thing. I got through 30 minutes. Well, you can't say that I went down without a fight, but Friday I took the supplements out of the equation and joila, an awesome 45 minute session was accomplished. Woot woot! And Saturday I felt so good that I got in an entire hour. It's also amazing how fast time will fly when you have good reading materials (thank you santa for my KindleFire!) or catch up on all of my Words With Friends games, LOL. How can I possibly do cardio and read you ask?! Well, when I do my elliptical I concentrate on my lower body and not my upper body, so I don't use my arms and thus I am not bobbing up and down ferociously. It's a winning combination for me and it makes the time fly by, so much that I often wish I had more time to keep going!

I want to share an awesome article that one of my fit friends sent to me last night in response to yesterday's blog. Sadly this fit friend had to move away towards the end of last year and I miss her and our Sunday HIIT sessions dearly, but it's fun staying in touch and reading about each other's progress and trials (I have a link to her awesome blog on my blog). Since I'm still too new to this blogging app, I don't know how to make it an active link, but you can copy and paste this URL into your address line. http://www.stumptuous.com/how-to-dump-sugar. I will warn you that this is an R rated reading (LOL) as she likes to use the F word, but it is so good! I loved it! She also confirms the other reading I've been doing talking about how sugar addiction has nothing to do with willpower and you personally (thank God as I truly thought something was wrong with me and have been considering getting medical help for some time as I was sure that I was the only one that had this monkey on my back). I mean it isn't possible for anyone else to be like me, right? To be so health conscious and have such control over my eating with exciting accomplishments like a fitness fashion show and figure competitions to look forward to and hard core work outs for months and then flip to habits of the complete opposite. To stand in the pantry and devour eight bags of my kids fruit snacks without even tasting them while staring at the cupboards trying to find something to fulfill my craving. To not be able to simply say no. To stop when I was full rather than continue to cram sugar laden food into my mouth to the point of feeling disgustingly sick; so sick that I wished I could just throw up. When I'm on, I'm on, but when I'm off, I'm way off. I'm sad that this is so widespread, but glad, that I apparently am not alone after all.

ASS out of U and ME (yep, don't assume others know what you want or expect 'cuz they don't!)

I'm sure we can all recall the old adage about ASSUME. Well, I'm here to say that unless you are surrounded by a bunch of mind readers, your friends and family don't automatically know what it is you want or expect. The second meaning behind my blog name “A Sugar Free Me” is about not sugar coating the truth in order to prevent hurt feelings or confrontation. That would be me talking to others and others talking to me as well. Give me the honest truth please – no sugar coating needed! But there's no need to be nasty about it either. Anyway, part of not sugar coating things is being honest about what you want and communicating. It was silly of me to assume that since my husband is the last person out of our bed every morning and even out of the house on most days that he should make the bed before leaving the house. And why should I assume that he should know what a huge pet peeve it is of mine to come home from a long day and walk into our room with an unmade bed? And not just an unmade bed, but a destroyed bed with all bedding in a huge heap in the middle of it! Argh. So, on January 1^st I simply made it known about my pet peeve and how much happier I would be if I came home to a made bed. That's all it took. Problem solved. Every day since then (yes, we are on a roll people) I have come home to a made bed and I'm so happy! See, it's the little things.

And, while working out with one of my best friends this morning, we were talking about my “no sugar coating required” philosophy for the new year and told her how insulted I have been by all of those who have told me that I don't look any different and that it doesn't look like I have put on weight, when I can reassure you that I definitely have. And not just a little either. My sweet friend simply said “last week when we met at the park I must say that I was surprised when I saw you.” Thank you. Nothing mean or nasty about it. No sugar coating. But the truth. Wow! And she made a point of explaining that most people simply don't notice the weight I've gained because they don't look at the physical, but the inner beauty they see when they look at me.  Aaaaah, really?!  And she topped it off by telling me that even so she can already tell that I've trimmed down some in just a week and half since being back in the gym and eating clean.  They say nutrition is 80% of your success or failure. Believe it my friends. I have always loved working out, being active and playing sports. I will tell you that these past 3 years of working out I have maintained my weight, but have not made any progress due to my unclean and random eating habits. I did weigh much less than I do now, but once I decided to really train hard and clean up my diet to prepare for my first figure competition, I dropped 9 pounds in my first two weeks! I was even flabbergasted, but it was all about my diet. I'm telling you, it's all about your food! Eat clean and eat every 2-3 hours and you'll be amazed at the transformations you will see. Then add exercise and you've got a winning combination!

What's In A Name?

After lying awake at night trying to come up with the perfect name for my first blog, this name came as an epiphany one morning while showering and is so perfect! It has dual meaning to me. First and foremost, I have just admitted and accepted that I have an addiction to sugar (yes, hide the candy from mom, not the kids!) and my goal is to try to be as close to a “sugar free me” as possible and I want to educate my children on a healthy lifestyle. I've come across a couple of great books that discuss sugar sensitivity and sugar addiction and they are awesome and are helping me to realize many things about myself.  How is it that I love health and fitness and figure competing and can be in amazing shape and then have this sugar addiction demon take over and all is lost?  It's a vicious cycle that I have gone through many times in this life of mine.  I can hear the tune now...roller coaster, ooh ooh ooh.

The other meaning is a big step for me and is (drum roll please)...to not sugar coat stuff. I've always been such a people pleaser that I will go out of my way to sugar coat the truth as to not hurt people's feelings or make them feel bad. So, going forward, my goal is to be as open and honest as I can possibly be without being hurtful as there are boundaries one should not cross and I don't want to be known as having diarrhea of the mouth! LOL. I hope that this will be a two way street as well. I want others to be honest with me and not sugar coat things as to not hurt my feelings. Can I just say that over the past three months I'm guessing that I have gained at least 15 pounds due to my addiction to sugar (at this point it is such a big gain that I refuse to get on a scale as to not depress myself anymore than I already am...but could that be viewed as a form of “sugar coating” the truth?!). Anyway, I am so shocked at how many people say “I can't tell you've gained any weight at all” or “you don't look any different to me”. Really people?! Friends. Husband. I went from being in awesome figure competition shape to completely out of shape with weight and fat gains that are visibly seen and felt and people are really telling me that I don't look any different?! To be quite honest, that's almost insulting! So, be honest people. I don't want you to be ugly about it and say “yep, your butt has definitely gotten big and soft” or “I knew you had packed on a lot of fat, but I didn't want to say anything”, but please don't sugar coat the cold hard facts either. Please.